How do I deal with having nothing to do?
Now, that's not entirely true. I still have a house, two children, a husband, and a career. And believe me, that's enough.
But for the past three years, I was also working on a second Master's degree. And for the most part, that mostly just meant that for a few months each semester I had extra work to do, reading, papers, to write, etc. Then last semester happened.
I was taking my last class in my program, which no one felt the need to tell me that it would be the most demanding one to date, as well as completing my internship. And holding down my job, children, house, and husband.
From late August until the first week of December, I had to discipline myself each and every day. Always planning ahead in order to complete my own work, keep up with my AP classes, and maintain the house and my children. October is busy for us anyway because three of us in the house have October birthdays. The past four years I have hosted Thanksgiving at my house, so Thanksgiving break is traditionally devoted to major cleaning and cooking.
Generally, Friday nights were free. But then starting Saturday mornings, the marathon continued. I would either spend Saturday mornings cleaning or starting to work on my class, or work for the internship, or grading for my classes. Saturday evenings may or may not have been free. If a holiday were approaching, Saturday evening was devoted to decorating and/or shopping. Sunday was spent either at the public library or at Barnes and Noble (hint: I prefer the library because it is always quiet and there are PLENTY of electric outlets. And at the main Spartanburg branch, you can bring food and drinks if you stay in the front area!). Doing research, listening to lectures, posting to online threads, writing papers, completing internship work, planning for my classes and grading.
I experienced two major breakdowns (that I can remember). One occurred on a Wednesday evening. I had just turned in a paper that Monday, but one was due again in 1.5 weeks, so I was trying to get a bit of a head start on it. I was so tired that I was seriously having trouble seeing the words in my textbook. I was trying to make sense of the labyrinth of the directions my professor gave for the paper. Then I always had to interpret these directions in my head: okay, what does she actually want to see in order to make an A? It was all bullshit anyway, these paper assignments, and when I know that, it's doubly hard to concentrate sometimes. I honestly can't remember why, but me and Brian were also arguing (probably because I wasn't a very fun person to be around during this time period) and I slammed my textbook on the kitchen floor and left the house. I could barely see because I was crying so hard, but I just felt like I might explode if I didn't leave the house. I drove up 290 before coming back with a coffee from McDonald's. Then I went to bed.
It's just a feeling of absolutely no control over anything because you are literally always doing something for someone else, and it continues for four months straight. And of course the entire time I felt like an awful mother because I was constantly having to take time away from them to do all of this work. I knew the entire time that it would be over early in December, but still. You never get this time back, even if it's only a few months.
Add in, as anyone who's read this blog already knows, that the other class I was teaching, my senior English class, was seriously the worst class I've ever taught, and the fact that I asked for help in getting resources to help teach them in order to save me time and my requests were rejected, and I just felt incredibly lonely. I felt like no one cared at all that I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. There are some exceptions to that statement, and those people already know who they are. If I were not a religious person, and did not pray regularly for perseverance, I do not know how I would have made it through.
And now, this weekend, all I have to do is clean up the house a bit and grade some papers. That's all. I have to re-develop a life again. I can think about my children first and everything else next. I was in such a good mood yesterday while I was teaching because, this semester, my senior English class is very nice, and some of my AP students even asked me, "Are you having a good day?" I was certainly able to prove to myself, through this program, that I can do anything I set my mind to, but it kinda did come with a price.
Now I feel like I've been repaid.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
The Way We Weren't
Today was my last first day of school as a classroom teacher, and it's bittersweet.
I'm very excited to be doing something new next year, but then I know there will be many aspects of being a classroom teacher that I will miss. No matter how bad of a semester I may have had, I still managed to get sort of excited for the first day of the next semester, thinking about new things I could try, etc. I really love some of the units I teach because I have learned a lot about myself as a person through teaching high school for 8 years. I have really helped a lot of AP Language students grow as mature thinkers and writers.
I think that teaching others is perhaps one of the hardest things we try to do as humans because ultimately we cannot control other people. We can study all of the psychology we want; most people are aberrations anyway, so we just stick with what seems to work. We have to be able to transfer knowledge to each other, though; otherwise, how else would mankind have survived for this long? Nowadays we seem to think that we can only learn from each other using technology, which I think is seriously flawed logic.
It is highly possible that I have learned more from my students over the past 8 years than they learned from me. I am still a highly introverted person, introspective, and quiet. Unless you really know me. Some people who read this blog might know my other side that is loud, sarcastic, and perhaps slightly annoying. :) It's been sort of tough meshing these different sides of myself as a teacher because, frankly, I sometimes have a hard time taking myself so seriously that I think a classroom full of 18 year-olds should. I more or less have just tried to develop units and lessons over the years that were more interesting and thought-provoking for the students rather than sticking with stuff that promoted the image of me pontificating from my podium.
Overall, this method has worked very well for me. My students often tell me they learned a lot in my class, and about topics that they didn't really know much about before. My seniors research ethical issues in science when we read Frankenstein and they pick a banned or challenged book to read, research, and write an argument about in terms of the usefulness of book censorship and intellectual freedom. My AP students...they do too much for me to want to write here. :)
But I have to once again come back to last semester's English 4 class. The one I still can't believe happened. Driving home today, I was trying to think of a way to describe them. And I can't. It wasn't a class only of bad kids who always hated me and each other. It wasn't a class of students who just wanted to get it over with already in order to graduate. And it wasn't a class of students who were studious and interested in learning (hah!). They were all of those things combined. Every single day. I can't even decide if we ended on a positive or a negative note, which is very fitting (although the fact that one girl gave the class the finger as she walked to the door to go to the restroom leads me to believe that's ending on a negative note). Nothing was steady or predictable. Very hard to try to characterize.
And I have no idea if I learned anything from that experience except to just get through each day and try to help someone learn something (well, actually my goal was not to completely lose my cool every day). One student thanked me for having them use LiveBinders.com to complete an online writing portfolio. But before that she smarted off to me after I dressed her down for attempting to copy someone else's work. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't do well with ambiguity in dealing with people. I like to know definitively where I stand. Do you like me, or not? Now, the students liking me is not something I care about as a teacher. This is what I want to be clear, as a teacher: are you going to come into class with war paint on, or are you going to try to work with me? If that's not clear to me, I have a hard time.
So this is The Way We Weren't: we weren't clearly in love or in hate. We weren't in love with learning or with failing. We weren't anything that can be clearly communicated because their identity as a class shifted every week to something else that I had to adapt to.
I guess you had to be there.
I'm very excited to be doing something new next year, but then I know there will be many aspects of being a classroom teacher that I will miss. No matter how bad of a semester I may have had, I still managed to get sort of excited for the first day of the next semester, thinking about new things I could try, etc. I really love some of the units I teach because I have learned a lot about myself as a person through teaching high school for 8 years. I have really helped a lot of AP Language students grow as mature thinkers and writers.
I think that teaching others is perhaps one of the hardest things we try to do as humans because ultimately we cannot control other people. We can study all of the psychology we want; most people are aberrations anyway, so we just stick with what seems to work. We have to be able to transfer knowledge to each other, though; otherwise, how else would mankind have survived for this long? Nowadays we seem to think that we can only learn from each other using technology, which I think is seriously flawed logic.
It is highly possible that I have learned more from my students over the past 8 years than they learned from me. I am still a highly introverted person, introspective, and quiet. Unless you really know me. Some people who read this blog might know my other side that is loud, sarcastic, and perhaps slightly annoying. :) It's been sort of tough meshing these different sides of myself as a teacher because, frankly, I sometimes have a hard time taking myself so seriously that I think a classroom full of 18 year-olds should. I more or less have just tried to develop units and lessons over the years that were more interesting and thought-provoking for the students rather than sticking with stuff that promoted the image of me pontificating from my podium.
Overall, this method has worked very well for me. My students often tell me they learned a lot in my class, and about topics that they didn't really know much about before. My seniors research ethical issues in science when we read Frankenstein and they pick a banned or challenged book to read, research, and write an argument about in terms of the usefulness of book censorship and intellectual freedom. My AP students...they do too much for me to want to write here. :)
But I have to once again come back to last semester's English 4 class. The one I still can't believe happened. Driving home today, I was trying to think of a way to describe them. And I can't. It wasn't a class only of bad kids who always hated me and each other. It wasn't a class of students who just wanted to get it over with already in order to graduate. And it wasn't a class of students who were studious and interested in learning (hah!). They were all of those things combined. Every single day. I can't even decide if we ended on a positive or a negative note, which is very fitting (although the fact that one girl gave the class the finger as she walked to the door to go to the restroom leads me to believe that's ending on a negative note). Nothing was steady or predictable. Very hard to try to characterize.
And I have no idea if I learned anything from that experience except to just get through each day and try to help someone learn something (well, actually my goal was not to completely lose my cool every day). One student thanked me for having them use LiveBinders.com to complete an online writing portfolio. But before that she smarted off to me after I dressed her down for attempting to copy someone else's work. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't do well with ambiguity in dealing with people. I like to know definitively where I stand. Do you like me, or not? Now, the students liking me is not something I care about as a teacher. This is what I want to be clear, as a teacher: are you going to come into class with war paint on, or are you going to try to work with me? If that's not clear to me, I have a hard time.
So this is The Way We Weren't: we weren't clearly in love or in hate. We weren't in love with learning or with failing. We weren't anything that can be clearly communicated because their identity as a class shifted every week to something else that I had to adapt to.
I guess you had to be there.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Panacea for all!
It seems like calls for education reform are a dime a dozen and are proposed every other day, but reading this one made me think (Commission Recommends Core Reforms in New York).
We hear calls for more rigorous testing in teacher education and certification programs, longer school days, more prekindergarten classes (depending on which color state you live in), more technical and career course offerings. No homework because it's stressful, useless, and diminishes a desire to learn. Flip the classroom and use more technology. Use iPads because students are used to using them.
No one ever mentions the student themselves! How do we reform them?
All of the ideas mentioned above imply that the United States no longer leads the world in educational achievement (read, test scores) because we're not using the most effective teaching methods and our teachers aren't smart enough. Wow.
To use an analogy, if a patient goes to see a doctor and then does not follow the doctor's medical advice, thus becoming even more sick, does that mean the doctor is not smart enough, needs more training, and better equipment?
Let's not wear the rose-colored glasses, either. It's not like we woke up one day about a decade ago and all students sucked. There have always been bad students, students with poor attitudes, even dangerous students. And let's also remember that it used to be true for the US only to educate a small portion of the population. But when we live in a democracy and we believe everyone is entitled to the rights guaranteed by the Constitution, we're going to face the problems of dealing with, well, everyone, not just the entitled few.
Of course there is always room for teacher improvement because our classes of students are never the same. I have never used the exact same teaching methods or materials each year in my AP Language classes because the students differ each year even though the course itself remains the same. Technology changes and becomes easier to use each school year, and we do need to be able to devote ample time to learn how we could efficiently implement them in our classes to help facilitate student learning. For example, my AP Language students created a class wiki to share their research papers and were able to read each other's work and comment on it. But I think we should also be careful to realize that not using these technologies doesn't mean students can't learn. If that were true, how did anyone throughout history learning anything before the last ten years?
It just seems comical to me that all new reform ideas side-step the actual problem: our raw materials, the students themselves. If they ultimately don't care, how is putting an iPad in front of them supposed to magically change anything? And does it really matter that I have two Master's degrees if one of my classes is full of teenage mothers and students who are in and out of jail?
I really think that no one wants to admit that dealing with teenagers at the high school level can just be tough. It's easier to change everything about the educational system except them. Our American culture is largely responsible for shaping them as people and citizens as well as their families, and if good manners and being smart aren't truly valued, then how can teachers be the only ones in our society who are given the burden of changing that? And if a teacher grades an assignment, and a student doesn't turn it in but the parent emails the teacher asking if the student can get some kind of credit anyway (which has happened to me twice this year in AP Language), we can't pretend that our culture really does value intelligence. That parent is just implicitly teaching the student that you should be given at least something for nothing.
And I can't compete with that type of lesson.
We hear calls for more rigorous testing in teacher education and certification programs, longer school days, more prekindergarten classes (depending on which color state you live in), more technical and career course offerings. No homework because it's stressful, useless, and diminishes a desire to learn. Flip the classroom and use more technology. Use iPads because students are used to using them.
No one ever mentions the student themselves! How do we reform them?
All of the ideas mentioned above imply that the United States no longer leads the world in educational achievement (read, test scores) because we're not using the most effective teaching methods and our teachers aren't smart enough. Wow.
To use an analogy, if a patient goes to see a doctor and then does not follow the doctor's medical advice, thus becoming even more sick, does that mean the doctor is not smart enough, needs more training, and better equipment?
Let's not wear the rose-colored glasses, either. It's not like we woke up one day about a decade ago and all students sucked. There have always been bad students, students with poor attitudes, even dangerous students. And let's also remember that it used to be true for the US only to educate a small portion of the population. But when we live in a democracy and we believe everyone is entitled to the rights guaranteed by the Constitution, we're going to face the problems of dealing with, well, everyone, not just the entitled few.
Of course there is always room for teacher improvement because our classes of students are never the same. I have never used the exact same teaching methods or materials each year in my AP Language classes because the students differ each year even though the course itself remains the same. Technology changes and becomes easier to use each school year, and we do need to be able to devote ample time to learn how we could efficiently implement them in our classes to help facilitate student learning. For example, my AP Language students created a class wiki to share their research papers and were able to read each other's work and comment on it. But I think we should also be careful to realize that not using these technologies doesn't mean students can't learn. If that were true, how did anyone throughout history learning anything before the last ten years?
It just seems comical to me that all new reform ideas side-step the actual problem: our raw materials, the students themselves. If they ultimately don't care, how is putting an iPad in front of them supposed to magically change anything? And does it really matter that I have two Master's degrees if one of my classes is full of teenage mothers and students who are in and out of jail?
I really think that no one wants to admit that dealing with teenagers at the high school level can just be tough. It's easier to change everything about the educational system except them. Our American culture is largely responsible for shaping them as people and citizens as well as their families, and if good manners and being smart aren't truly valued, then how can teachers be the only ones in our society who are given the burden of changing that? And if a teacher grades an assignment, and a student doesn't turn it in but the parent emails the teacher asking if the student can get some kind of credit anyway (which has happened to me twice this year in AP Language), we can't pretend that our culture really does value intelligence. That parent is just implicitly teaching the student that you should be given at least something for nothing.
And I can't compete with that type of lesson.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Cheap Meth? Cheap Guns?
Sort of borrowed the title here from Nicholas Kristof's recent column Cheap Meth! Cheap Guns! Click here. about China.
It's quite catchy.
The notable quote in Kristof's article comes when he observes, "Tens of thousands of censors delete references to human rights, but they ignore countless Chinese Web sites peddling drugs, guns or prostitutes."
How many times do we pause long enough to contemplate the ironies of our lives? The Chinese government is actually getting it right here, if you're into communism. Suppression of intellectual freedom has long been proven to be an expedient in the takeover of common sense and justice. Do I need to even mention Hitler?
Keeping people ignorant, perpetuating myths and stereotypes, spreading misinformation that is tempting and just on the edge of believable...surely these things couldn't occur in the year 2013, the age of technology and transparency because if you can catch something on tape, well, that makes it hard to rewrite history, no?
Yet we see the paradox of democracy and technology. The more we are able to discover and share any type of new information as well as archived information that was previously only available to a select, elite group, and the more we are able to create our own histories (Rodney King), the more we seem to rely on tired arguments that have been recycled with 2013 terminology and myths.
It should be easier than ever to be a genius or, at least more practically, semi-knowledgeable.
And there certainly are some people who feel that they are more intelligent mostly because of the Internet. WebMD diagnoses, access to thousands of newspapers, Google scholar, celebrities who Tweet.
And also the proliferation of millions of web sites that are blogs like this one, contributing one voice to cyberspace (that I'm not sure you can argue actually exists), and other web sites that are more malicious and malevolent. We can pay people to do our thinking for us.
Is there a difference between this and China? Sure, and it's one that Aldous Huxley already observed. The difference is that we are willingly allowing our freedoms to be usurped by technology while most of the Chinese don't have a choice. We want cheap guns but no massacres. We want the freedom to consume the substances of our choice but not have to pay for rehabilitation or other health consequences. We want freedom, but there is a burden involved in that as well: the burden of being wise and careful, unswayed by rhetoric, always pointing toward King's arc of justice.
I think censorship is a mixed bag in America. When we have children, people generally feel pretty protective, monitoring what their children view, play with, who watches them. But if we start to discuss censoring the making of violent movies, people cry a foul against the First Amendment. Same with trying to promote gun safety (notice the difference in connotation between that term and "gun control"). People don't want the government to be able to control what you can view, listen to, produce, or shoot. But history has proven that we need protection from ourselves, particularly in a capitalistic society. We've seen this from the likes of Upton Sinclair, Susan B. Anthony, and Bob Woodward. When left to our own devices, we can do some pretty regrettable things to our fellow mankind, particularly in the name of money. It's one of the ultimate ironies of the universe.
Now, unlike what some might argue, our government is not communist. It does not delete web sites which publish views contrary to its own (not that there is only one of those anyway). But do we sometimes do things backwards around here? Do we sometimes get it wrong, do the complete opposite of what we should do?
Do we ever end up sounding like the catch phrase of obvious incongruity as Kristof wrote above?
It's quite catchy.
The notable quote in Kristof's article comes when he observes, "Tens of thousands of censors delete references to human rights, but they ignore countless Chinese Web sites peddling drugs, guns or prostitutes."
How many times do we pause long enough to contemplate the ironies of our lives? The Chinese government is actually getting it right here, if you're into communism. Suppression of intellectual freedom has long been proven to be an expedient in the takeover of common sense and justice. Do I need to even mention Hitler?
Keeping people ignorant, perpetuating myths and stereotypes, spreading misinformation that is tempting and just on the edge of believable...surely these things couldn't occur in the year 2013, the age of technology and transparency because if you can catch something on tape, well, that makes it hard to rewrite history, no?
Yet we see the paradox of democracy and technology. The more we are able to discover and share any type of new information as well as archived information that was previously only available to a select, elite group, and the more we are able to create our own histories (Rodney King), the more we seem to rely on tired arguments that have been recycled with 2013 terminology and myths.
It should be easier than ever to be a genius or, at least more practically, semi-knowledgeable.
And there certainly are some people who feel that they are more intelligent mostly because of the Internet. WebMD diagnoses, access to thousands of newspapers, Google scholar, celebrities who Tweet.
And also the proliferation of millions of web sites that are blogs like this one, contributing one voice to cyberspace (that I'm not sure you can argue actually exists), and other web sites that are more malicious and malevolent. We can pay people to do our thinking for us.
Is there a difference between this and China? Sure, and it's one that Aldous Huxley already observed. The difference is that we are willingly allowing our freedoms to be usurped by technology while most of the Chinese don't have a choice. We want cheap guns but no massacres. We want the freedom to consume the substances of our choice but not have to pay for rehabilitation or other health consequences. We want freedom, but there is a burden involved in that as well: the burden of being wise and careful, unswayed by rhetoric, always pointing toward King's arc of justice.
I think censorship is a mixed bag in America. When we have children, people generally feel pretty protective, monitoring what their children view, play with, who watches them. But if we start to discuss censoring the making of violent movies, people cry a foul against the First Amendment. Same with trying to promote gun safety (notice the difference in connotation between that term and "gun control"). People don't want the government to be able to control what you can view, listen to, produce, or shoot. But history has proven that we need protection from ourselves, particularly in a capitalistic society. We've seen this from the likes of Upton Sinclair, Susan B. Anthony, and Bob Woodward. When left to our own devices, we can do some pretty regrettable things to our fellow mankind, particularly in the name of money. It's one of the ultimate ironies of the universe.
Now, unlike what some might argue, our government is not communist. It does not delete web sites which publish views contrary to its own (not that there is only one of those anyway). But do we sometimes do things backwards around here? Do we sometimes get it wrong, do the complete opposite of what we should do?
Do we ever end up sounding like the catch phrase of obvious incongruity as Kristof wrote above?
Monday, December 31, 2012
Highlights from 2012
Okay, I changed my mind from my last post. I do, in fact, wish to share my most delightful and outrageous moments from 2012. In order to follow people who seem to agree that everything should be organized according to a randomly chosen group of numbers, I'll attempt a top ten, although realistically there are probably much more (or, as I try to compile this list, I'll really have to work hard at coming up with 10!). **UPDATE...yes, there is a top ten, but I got stuck at number three and gave up. Also, these are really in no particular order because I poke fun at stuff that is organized by numbers e.g. Seven Steps to a Better Fate or whatever. :) I'm sure I could never definitely choose an orderly place for each of these memories!
#10. I danced with Goofy at the Mickey's Backyard Barbeque in Disney World. I was trying to film Owen as he danced with a group of children around Goofy when suddenly Goofy pulled my arm. It was actually pretty hilarious because it was country dancing which I know nothing about, so I pretty much just stood there and moved my body somehow. It lasted for a long few minutes and then he kissed my hand and moved on. I'm pretty sure some uptight mothers were getting mad that Goofy was spending too much time with me and not their children. I guess I'm just that good. (And I'm not sure how to spell barbeque, but it keeps popping up in spellcheck!)
#9. My AP Language students decided in March that they wanted to celebrate the 43rd anniversary of the Tinker vs Des Moines Supreme Court case, so I bought black material and made them all black armbands in honor of the verdict of this case. I was immensely proud of my students' desire to apply their learning to the real world and to their lives. Almost all of them wore those armbands for the entire day. And then one student decided to wear a red one and remain silent in an attempt to bring awareness to her anti-abortion beliefs. I admired her application of everything we'd discussed about the power of peaceful protest.
#8. A year ago, a student graduated who I'd taught in AP Language. Actually, I'd only taught him for one semester before I dropped him because he had an F. He just wouldn't turn in any work, but of course he was really smart. His senior year, he would come into my classroom with a large group of AP Language grads during lunch and we all had fun and goofed around. He's way more sarcastic than me and in a really mean way, but it was fun. However, I didn't think I'd really made any sort of impact on his life except to serve as an example of a stereotypical English teacher who was really picky and flunked people. He gave me a present, though, at the end of the year, Stephen Colbert's book I Am American (And So Can You!) which I really appreciated, needless to say. :) And it wasn't until an entire year later that I discovered he had written over the dedication on the dedication page. He crossed a line through the type and wrote, "To Mrs. Gregory who couldn't, but always will, inspire me."
I definitely started crying.
#7. I sort of obsess over the idea that my five year-old should be reading by now. And I beat myself up sometimes that if I weren't so busy with teaching and classes, I would be a better mother and he'd be able to read. One morning before school I was drying my hair and Owen was in my bathroom with me sitting on the floor. He pointed to a box of my hot curlers, and said, "That says 'on.' That says 'off.'"
Don't underestimate your children. And don't beat yourself up by thinking you don't do enough for your children. Setting a good example takes care of itself sometimes.
#6. I completed my internship for my second Master's degree at an intermediate school. Actually, my son's school. One required component was giving booktalks. To do this, I had to read six books, and my internship supervisor (who is the best!) recommended I choose from the South Carolina children's book nominees. I wasn't sure I'd enjoy this at first, but it turned out to be completely wonderful! I loved all of the books I chose to read because it made me feel like a kid again. I remembered the feeling of joy that I used to always feel when I read earlier in my life when it wasn't from a textbook titled Reference Services. :)
#5. Connor likes for me to read him Calvin and Hobbes comics as his bedtime stories. I LOVED them when I was his age as well, so this has been a special time for me. My favorite comic shows Calvin go through a rough day, and at the end he tells Hobbes, "Some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't work." And Hobbes replies, "Well, you've done all you can." Just awesome and true to life. This comic strip is so sarcastic and funny, it just works perfectly for both me and Connor. I'm so proud that he gets the sarcasm!
#4. (this is my last one, and it's 1:20am...I think for right now I'm gonna quit and I'll come back to this one later)
#3. My graduation from the USC School of Library and Information Science! I started this program in the fall of 2009, taking one course at at time, so this day was a long time in coming. But I think my personal motto is "Slow and steady wins the race." I had to get used to writing academic papers again and had to learn how to use a massive amount of technology (well, to me anyway). I also had to find time to complete all of the work along with my other responsibilities. I remember starting out thinking I didn't have too much to learn about libraries. I could not have been more wrong. Although at times it was tedious and seemed just stupid, I really enjoyed the program overall and learned much more than I could ever type in this blog. Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm an intellectual at heart and like to read about complex ideas, so I enjoyed reading different theories about democracies, intellectual freedom, and the changing roles of libraries in the 21st century, especially media specialists in schools. I have to be honest and admit that I'm proud of my ability to complete this program with a 4.0 while taking care of my family and teaching AP Language. I couldn't have done it without God and Brian (let me emphasize that they are two different "people"). My message to anyone: don't underestimate yourself, and if you want something, you won't let anything stop you. You won't be too tired for it. And you won't let anyone tell you that you can't do it.
#2. Twenty-four hours before a major paper was due in my last class for my Master's in Library and Information Science, I discovered the Word file had become corrupt and I could not open it. My best friend Kristin's brother who has a major job in computers couldn't even fix it. I worked on that paper for almost a full week and was just about finished with it when this happened. I had just spent the weekend in Hendersonville, NC, with my best friend on a wine tasting tour. It was so relaxing and fun and really put me in the right frame of mind to then hunker down and finish the paper. Let me emphasize that I had already written about 20 pages of it...now gone. I had twenty-four hours to redo it. After crying and screaming and trying to justify in my mind not writing it at all (I even went back to the course syllabus but discovered to my dismay that the professor explicitly typed "All assignments must be turned in in order to pass the course and receive credit"...this must have happened before to merit such specific attention). So of course I had to end up just facing the fact that I went from a fabulous weekend to the worst academic situation of my life in a period of about four hours. But guess what? I did it. I rewrote and finished the entire damn thing with about two hours to spare. And I got a 100. The lesson? Use Google docs. Don't let yourself freak out so much that you fail. It also helps if you're not a perfectionist. I also learned how to write a graduate level research paper without thinking too much because at this point I had zero mental energy left.
#1. All right, here it is! I was chosen by the steering committee to teach a session at the AP national conference this past summer. The conference was held at the Swan and Dolphin resorts at Disney World which, truth be told, is the only reason I applied (heavy hotel discount given). When I realized that going as a family wouldn't really work because I'd be teaching and attending sessions for three days, I decided I needed a special friend to go with me. Which of course meant Kristin, my best friend. I think I asked her, "Hey, you wanna go to Disney by ourselves for four days?" And that was that. We lay by the pool having a few drinks and the best pot roast with potatoes and collard greens that we've ever tasted, and we even ate dinner at the Animal Kingdom Lodge where, yes Kristin, we saw a real giraffe. And then I decided that she might be ready to go to a theme park for the first time. I discovered that the Magic Kingdom would be open until 2am that Friday night, July 20, which would be perfect because we could go later in the day when it wouldn't be quite as hot but still get our money's worth. When we bought our one-day pass, we discovered we got a discount, so it was even more awesome! I even managed to snag us a dinner reservation at the Crystal Palace character buffet. Everything was perfect except how freaking hot it was! We sat in the Crystal Palace for two hours just to avoid having to go outside. But the evening was perfect. I managed to get her on almost everything in the Magic Kingdom, and to my delight, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad was her favorite (it's my older son Connor's favorite too, as well as my husband's). Throughout the night, there were times that I remembered I was going to give a big presentation in the morning to who knew how many AP Language teachers from across the country and I would get momentarily horrified. But then, I was in the Magic Kingdom!! 2am rolled around and we just managed to ride Space Mountain before everything closed. We walked with the crowd to the buses and waited. We didn't arrive back at the Dolphin until around 3am, and then of course had to shower because I had never sweated so much in my life (really). So we're talking 3:30am bedtime. My alarm went off at 6am. Presentation started at 9am, and we had breakfast first and I set up my presentation stuff. All I can say is that I have the best friend because she got up with me, and I would have been even more of a nervous wreck if she hadn't been there with me before and during my presentation! I know there were a few spotty moments at the beginning of my presentation when I really needed more coffee, but other than that, it went very well. I love doing crazy, last-minute things that make me really appreciate life, and this night was definitely one of them. Best bragging rights ever! Magic Kingdom until 2am, and then presenting information to AP Language teachers about teaching a unit on the rhetoric and argument of writings from the American Civil Rights Movement (and related topics).
I can email you my presentation if you're interested.
#10. I danced with Goofy at the Mickey's Backyard Barbeque in Disney World. I was trying to film Owen as he danced with a group of children around Goofy when suddenly Goofy pulled my arm. It was actually pretty hilarious because it was country dancing which I know nothing about, so I pretty much just stood there and moved my body somehow. It lasted for a long few minutes and then he kissed my hand and moved on. I'm pretty sure some uptight mothers were getting mad that Goofy was spending too much time with me and not their children. I guess I'm just that good. (And I'm not sure how to spell barbeque, but it keeps popping up in spellcheck!)
#9. My AP Language students decided in March that they wanted to celebrate the 43rd anniversary of the Tinker vs Des Moines Supreme Court case, so I bought black material and made them all black armbands in honor of the verdict of this case. I was immensely proud of my students' desire to apply their learning to the real world and to their lives. Almost all of them wore those armbands for the entire day. And then one student decided to wear a red one and remain silent in an attempt to bring awareness to her anti-abortion beliefs. I admired her application of everything we'd discussed about the power of peaceful protest.
#8. A year ago, a student graduated who I'd taught in AP Language. Actually, I'd only taught him for one semester before I dropped him because he had an F. He just wouldn't turn in any work, but of course he was really smart. His senior year, he would come into my classroom with a large group of AP Language grads during lunch and we all had fun and goofed around. He's way more sarcastic than me and in a really mean way, but it was fun. However, I didn't think I'd really made any sort of impact on his life except to serve as an example of a stereotypical English teacher who was really picky and flunked people. He gave me a present, though, at the end of the year, Stephen Colbert's book I Am American (And So Can You!) which I really appreciated, needless to say. :) And it wasn't until an entire year later that I discovered he had written over the dedication on the dedication page. He crossed a line through the type and wrote, "To Mrs. Gregory who couldn't, but always will, inspire me."
I definitely started crying.
#7. I sort of obsess over the idea that my five year-old should be reading by now. And I beat myself up sometimes that if I weren't so busy with teaching and classes, I would be a better mother and he'd be able to read. One morning before school I was drying my hair and Owen was in my bathroom with me sitting on the floor. He pointed to a box of my hot curlers, and said, "That says 'on.' That says 'off.'"
Don't underestimate your children. And don't beat yourself up by thinking you don't do enough for your children. Setting a good example takes care of itself sometimes.
#6. I completed my internship for my second Master's degree at an intermediate school. Actually, my son's school. One required component was giving booktalks. To do this, I had to read six books, and my internship supervisor (who is the best!) recommended I choose from the South Carolina children's book nominees. I wasn't sure I'd enjoy this at first, but it turned out to be completely wonderful! I loved all of the books I chose to read because it made me feel like a kid again. I remembered the feeling of joy that I used to always feel when I read earlier in my life when it wasn't from a textbook titled Reference Services. :)
#5. Connor likes for me to read him Calvin and Hobbes comics as his bedtime stories. I LOVED them when I was his age as well, so this has been a special time for me. My favorite comic shows Calvin go through a rough day, and at the end he tells Hobbes, "Some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't work." And Hobbes replies, "Well, you've done all you can." Just awesome and true to life. This comic strip is so sarcastic and funny, it just works perfectly for both me and Connor. I'm so proud that he gets the sarcasm!
#4. (this is my last one, and it's 1:20am...I think for right now I'm gonna quit and I'll come back to this one later)
#3. My graduation from the USC School of Library and Information Science! I started this program in the fall of 2009, taking one course at at time, so this day was a long time in coming. But I think my personal motto is "Slow and steady wins the race." I had to get used to writing academic papers again and had to learn how to use a massive amount of technology (well, to me anyway). I also had to find time to complete all of the work along with my other responsibilities. I remember starting out thinking I didn't have too much to learn about libraries. I could not have been more wrong. Although at times it was tedious and seemed just stupid, I really enjoyed the program overall and learned much more than I could ever type in this blog. Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm an intellectual at heart and like to read about complex ideas, so I enjoyed reading different theories about democracies, intellectual freedom, and the changing roles of libraries in the 21st century, especially media specialists in schools. I have to be honest and admit that I'm proud of my ability to complete this program with a 4.0 while taking care of my family and teaching AP Language. I couldn't have done it without God and Brian (let me emphasize that they are two different "people"). My message to anyone: don't underestimate yourself, and if you want something, you won't let anything stop you. You won't be too tired for it. And you won't let anyone tell you that you can't do it.
#2. Twenty-four hours before a major paper was due in my last class for my Master's in Library and Information Science, I discovered the Word file had become corrupt and I could not open it. My best friend Kristin's brother who has a major job in computers couldn't even fix it. I worked on that paper for almost a full week and was just about finished with it when this happened. I had just spent the weekend in Hendersonville, NC, with my best friend on a wine tasting tour. It was so relaxing and fun and really put me in the right frame of mind to then hunker down and finish the paper. Let me emphasize that I had already written about 20 pages of it...now gone. I had twenty-four hours to redo it. After crying and screaming and trying to justify in my mind not writing it at all (I even went back to the course syllabus but discovered to my dismay that the professor explicitly typed "All assignments must be turned in in order to pass the course and receive credit"...this must have happened before to merit such specific attention). So of course I had to end up just facing the fact that I went from a fabulous weekend to the worst academic situation of my life in a period of about four hours. But guess what? I did it. I rewrote and finished the entire damn thing with about two hours to spare. And I got a 100. The lesson? Use Google docs. Don't let yourself freak out so much that you fail. It also helps if you're not a perfectionist. I also learned how to write a graduate level research paper without thinking too much because at this point I had zero mental energy left.
#1. All right, here it is! I was chosen by the steering committee to teach a session at the AP national conference this past summer. The conference was held at the Swan and Dolphin resorts at Disney World which, truth be told, is the only reason I applied (heavy hotel discount given). When I realized that going as a family wouldn't really work because I'd be teaching and attending sessions for three days, I decided I needed a special friend to go with me. Which of course meant Kristin, my best friend. I think I asked her, "Hey, you wanna go to Disney by ourselves for four days?" And that was that. We lay by the pool having a few drinks and the best pot roast with potatoes and collard greens that we've ever tasted, and we even ate dinner at the Animal Kingdom Lodge where, yes Kristin, we saw a real giraffe. And then I decided that she might be ready to go to a theme park for the first time. I discovered that the Magic Kingdom would be open until 2am that Friday night, July 20, which would be perfect because we could go later in the day when it wouldn't be quite as hot but still get our money's worth. When we bought our one-day pass, we discovered we got a discount, so it was even more awesome! I even managed to snag us a dinner reservation at the Crystal Palace character buffet. Everything was perfect except how freaking hot it was! We sat in the Crystal Palace for two hours just to avoid having to go outside. But the evening was perfect. I managed to get her on almost everything in the Magic Kingdom, and to my delight, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad was her favorite (it's my older son Connor's favorite too, as well as my husband's). Throughout the night, there were times that I remembered I was going to give a big presentation in the morning to who knew how many AP Language teachers from across the country and I would get momentarily horrified. But then, I was in the Magic Kingdom!! 2am rolled around and we just managed to ride Space Mountain before everything closed. We walked with the crowd to the buses and waited. We didn't arrive back at the Dolphin until around 3am, and then of course had to shower because I had never sweated so much in my life (really). So we're talking 3:30am bedtime. My alarm went off at 6am. Presentation started at 9am, and we had breakfast first and I set up my presentation stuff. All I can say is that I have the best friend because she got up with me, and I would have been even more of a nervous wreck if she hadn't been there with me before and during my presentation! I know there were a few spotty moments at the beginning of my presentation when I really needed more coffee, but other than that, it went very well. I love doing crazy, last-minute things that make me really appreciate life, and this night was definitely one of them. Best bragging rights ever! Magic Kingdom until 2am, and then presenting information to AP Language teachers about teaching a unit on the rhetoric and argument of writings from the American Civil Rights Movement (and related topics).
I can email you my presentation if you're interested.
New Year, Old Me...con't
Dang it, I already missed a post yesterday! That's why I didn't want to make updating my blog daily my New Year's resolution. So I haven't broken it yet!
We are having a couple over tonight, a childhood friend of Brian's and his wife. In anticipation of our evening, and after speaking with my mother today on the phone, and taking a really long walk around our neighborhood, I began to think about what New Year's Eve used to mean to me.
I still have the journal I kept in middle and high school. I used to make a list on New Year's Eve of everything of note that I accomplished the past year, and I made another list detailing all of my hopes and dreams. The past ten years or so, the idea of these lists makes me want to have some wine with that cheese. It's just so...cliched. It's not weird to look forward to a clean slate, but the thing is that a new year is never a clean slate.
In The Omnivore's Dilemma, Michael Pollan engages in a discussion about animal ethics that I found interesting if not slightly out of my intellectual range for Christmas break reading. He presented various arguments about the ethics of eating meat, and I had never really considered the fact that slaughtering animals is ethical because they do not have the capacity to anticipate death and to understand what death really means (not that humans understand much about death either, but at least we know it will happen and that afterward we never have interactions with a person again, at least not on this Earth). Thus, this inability limits the likelihood of suffering, if you take suffering to include the anticipation of pain and loss and the ability to ruminate upon your own sense of mortality, which supposedly animals cannot.
Okay, what does this have to do with New Year's? I had to think for a second to remember why I started this post to begin with...all right, I think it had something to do with suffering. I never used to understand why people wished each other good health and prayed for continued health and peace. I grew up in an idyllic childhood setting which seriously could not have been better. I managed to screw up sometimes anyway, like any good American teenager, but nonetheless, it was seemingly perfect by all accounts. It served as a sort of anesthesia, though, making me numb to how others might suffer in this world.
I think health and peace are what we should primarily wish everyone. Feeling peace in spite of anxieties, and being thankful when our bodies function well. We cannot always control our bodies, and we cannot always control what happens to us in our lives. But being at peace means that we accept what happens one day at a time and realize that we have this Earth, for better or for worse. Being at peace means we accept that we cannot undo the past, but we should remember it to always be moving forward.
If what distinguishes us from other living beings is our level of consciousness and ability to develop meta-cognitive skills, then we can never re-become blank slates. You literally cannot forget something (although this discussion brings to mind Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind--great movie). So if we can't forget, where do we go from here?
I would actually hate to forget the lowest points of my life. I need to remember them in order to avoid repeats of past disasters (well, in theory that would work).
I think this year I might make a list in my journal of everything I did that was unacceptable, stupid, and regretful. It will be hilarious and depressing. It will reveal my humanity, it will spell out failure to a certain degree, it will show how I might be slightly unhinged. But it will also show me how far up I can go as long as I remember how low I sometimes fall.
If suffering means the ability to anticipate a loss or a fall, I accept it. Because it also means that I can get back up again as long as I keep believing in my own potential.
We are having a couple over tonight, a childhood friend of Brian's and his wife. In anticipation of our evening, and after speaking with my mother today on the phone, and taking a really long walk around our neighborhood, I began to think about what New Year's Eve used to mean to me.
I still have the journal I kept in middle and high school. I used to make a list on New Year's Eve of everything of note that I accomplished the past year, and I made another list detailing all of my hopes and dreams. The past ten years or so, the idea of these lists makes me want to have some wine with that cheese. It's just so...cliched. It's not weird to look forward to a clean slate, but the thing is that a new year is never a clean slate.
In The Omnivore's Dilemma, Michael Pollan engages in a discussion about animal ethics that I found interesting if not slightly out of my intellectual range for Christmas break reading. He presented various arguments about the ethics of eating meat, and I had never really considered the fact that slaughtering animals is ethical because they do not have the capacity to anticipate death and to understand what death really means (not that humans understand much about death either, but at least we know it will happen and that afterward we never have interactions with a person again, at least not on this Earth). Thus, this inability limits the likelihood of suffering, if you take suffering to include the anticipation of pain and loss and the ability to ruminate upon your own sense of mortality, which supposedly animals cannot.
Okay, what does this have to do with New Year's? I had to think for a second to remember why I started this post to begin with...all right, I think it had something to do with suffering. I never used to understand why people wished each other good health and prayed for continued health and peace. I grew up in an idyllic childhood setting which seriously could not have been better. I managed to screw up sometimes anyway, like any good American teenager, but nonetheless, it was seemingly perfect by all accounts. It served as a sort of anesthesia, though, making me numb to how others might suffer in this world.
I think health and peace are what we should primarily wish everyone. Feeling peace in spite of anxieties, and being thankful when our bodies function well. We cannot always control our bodies, and we cannot always control what happens to us in our lives. But being at peace means that we accept what happens one day at a time and realize that we have this Earth, for better or for worse. Being at peace means we accept that we cannot undo the past, but we should remember it to always be moving forward.
If what distinguishes us from other living beings is our level of consciousness and ability to develop meta-cognitive skills, then we can never re-become blank slates. You literally cannot forget something (although this discussion brings to mind Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind--great movie). So if we can't forget, where do we go from here?
I would actually hate to forget the lowest points of my life. I need to remember them in order to avoid repeats of past disasters (well, in theory that would work).
I think this year I might make a list in my journal of everything I did that was unacceptable, stupid, and regretful. It will be hilarious and depressing. It will reveal my humanity, it will spell out failure to a certain degree, it will show how I might be slightly unhinged. But it will also show me how far up I can go as long as I remember how low I sometimes fall.
If suffering means the ability to anticipate a loss or a fall, I accept it. Because it also means that I can get back up again as long as I keep believing in my own potential.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
The Way We Were
This movie is terribly relevant. Not just because when I see Robert Redford riding in his car with Barbara Streisand I have to remind myself that I'm not watching The Great Gatsby. (I must digress just a bit--considering writing some sort of research on cheesy Redford films in the 70's--but I have to admit that he's much better in The Way We Were. I'll sit down and watch both movies sometime and let you know. Future blog post already planned!)
We see the characters struggle through World War II and the Red Scare, which is basically parallel to our struggles today in America. In the 2000's, people were quick to call anyone against the war in Iraq unpatriotic, even though questioning war is perhaps one of the most patriotic (and humane) things we can do. We see a pure hatred of anything related to President Obama which I'm not sure has happened to the same degree in America to date. We struggle with balancing our worship of capitalism and our Puritanical roots which have nothing to do with capitalism. We struggle with desiring freedom but also accepting the consequences of freedom (Newtown, CT most recently). When we are confronted with the startling reality of our own humanity, we cling to our ideals. When our ideals fall short, we cling to our humanity. It's more of a symbiotic relationship than a paradox.
I particularly love the scene when Hubble and Katie are arguing after the confrontation scene with the policemen and Hubble says there are no ideals, just people. I think that 10-15 years ago, I would have vehemently disagreed with him and been on Katie's side without a doubt. But age brings experience, and I totally understand Hubble's point.
He says that nothing will ever change, and that standing up for what you believe in, if that requires extreme actions and may cost you much, is a waste. The pendulum will inevitably swing the other way, and in a matter of time that minority which was fought for will become the majority and bring its own flaws. A new majority in name only, same spirit of oppression and physical might. We see history in a series of cycles with no victors, only new pawns.
I think reading that sentence by itself is sort of startling, particularly for me who dedicates an entire 9 weeks of study in AP Language to the writings of Dr. King, Thoreau, and Lincoln. In fact, it would appear as nothing less than unpatriotic not to believe the exact opposite of what Hubble argues.
But he's not wrong. What we decide is worth fighting for could cost us in ways we never imagined. And quite often those things can never be undone.
We see this unfold through the fictional characters in this movie, this push and pull of wanting to rise above ourselves and yet at the same time not being able to give up our human ties that make it all worth it.
And to personalize the abstract settings and context, the two characters struggle between their ideals and humanity. At some point, you just want Katie to shut the hell up and realize what a love she has with Hubble. But then you can understand that she can't just sit by while all of the injustices of the world continue on, people like Hubble complicit in perpetuating them. You want Hubble to finish the damn novel and quit churning out what will turn into the 2000's reality TV shows. But then it's so much easier to just sit around, have a drink and a smoke, and tell witty jokes to your sophisticated friends.
What's an American to do? The movie suggests that you part ways, mourn the loss of the price you pay for marrying yourself to your ideals, and see that protesting against the atomic bomb really will do nothing. But at least you can say you put forth some effort. However, if the protest has no realistic outcome, as Hubble predicted, did Katie owe it to herself to stay with a person she loved and, as it turns out, couldn't replicate? Is doing the right thing, even if nothing comes of it, a better, more moral choice, than siding with your own humanity? Your girl is lovely, Hubble, but I've got to go protest against injustice.
We see the characters struggle through World War II and the Red Scare, which is basically parallel to our struggles today in America. In the 2000's, people were quick to call anyone against the war in Iraq unpatriotic, even though questioning war is perhaps one of the most patriotic (and humane) things we can do. We see a pure hatred of anything related to President Obama which I'm not sure has happened to the same degree in America to date. We struggle with balancing our worship of capitalism and our Puritanical roots which have nothing to do with capitalism. We struggle with desiring freedom but also accepting the consequences of freedom (Newtown, CT most recently). When we are confronted with the startling reality of our own humanity, we cling to our ideals. When our ideals fall short, we cling to our humanity. It's more of a symbiotic relationship than a paradox.
I particularly love the scene when Hubble and Katie are arguing after the confrontation scene with the policemen and Hubble says there are no ideals, just people. I think that 10-15 years ago, I would have vehemently disagreed with him and been on Katie's side without a doubt. But age brings experience, and I totally understand Hubble's point.
He says that nothing will ever change, and that standing up for what you believe in, if that requires extreme actions and may cost you much, is a waste. The pendulum will inevitably swing the other way, and in a matter of time that minority which was fought for will become the majority and bring its own flaws. A new majority in name only, same spirit of oppression and physical might. We see history in a series of cycles with no victors, only new pawns.
I think reading that sentence by itself is sort of startling, particularly for me who dedicates an entire 9 weeks of study in AP Language to the writings of Dr. King, Thoreau, and Lincoln. In fact, it would appear as nothing less than unpatriotic not to believe the exact opposite of what Hubble argues.
But he's not wrong. What we decide is worth fighting for could cost us in ways we never imagined. And quite often those things can never be undone.
We see this unfold through the fictional characters in this movie, this push and pull of wanting to rise above ourselves and yet at the same time not being able to give up our human ties that make it all worth it.
And to personalize the abstract settings and context, the two characters struggle between their ideals and humanity. At some point, you just want Katie to shut the hell up and realize what a love she has with Hubble. But then you can understand that she can't just sit by while all of the injustices of the world continue on, people like Hubble complicit in perpetuating them. You want Hubble to finish the damn novel and quit churning out what will turn into the 2000's reality TV shows. But then it's so much easier to just sit around, have a drink and a smoke, and tell witty jokes to your sophisticated friends.
What's an American to do? The movie suggests that you part ways, mourn the loss of the price you pay for marrying yourself to your ideals, and see that protesting against the atomic bomb really will do nothing. But at least you can say you put forth some effort. However, if the protest has no realistic outcome, as Hubble predicted, did Katie owe it to herself to stay with a person she loved and, as it turns out, couldn't replicate? Is doing the right thing, even if nothing comes of it, a better, more moral choice, than siding with your own humanity? Your girl is lovely, Hubble, but I've got to go protest against injustice.
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