There's nothing to do...

How do I deal with having nothing to do?

Now, that's not entirely true. I still have a house, two children, a husband, and a career. And believe me, that's enough.

But for the past three years, I was also working on a second Master's degree. And for the most part, that mostly just meant that for a few months each semester I had extra work to do, reading, papers, to write, etc. Then last semester happened.

I was taking my last class in my program, which no one felt the need to tell me that it would be the most demanding one to date, as well as completing my internship. And holding down my job, children, house, and husband.

From late August until the first week of December, I had to discipline myself each and every day. Always planning ahead in order to complete my own work, keep up with my AP classes, and maintain the house and my children. October is busy for us anyway because three of us in the house have October birthdays. The past four years I have hosted Thanksgiving at my house, so Thanksgiving break is traditionally devoted to major cleaning and cooking.

Generally, Friday nights were free. But then starting Saturday mornings, the marathon continued. I would either spend Saturday mornings cleaning or starting to work on my class, or work for the internship, or grading for my classes. Saturday evenings may or may not have been free. If a holiday were approaching, Saturday evening was devoted to decorating and/or shopping. Sunday was spent either at the public library or at Barnes and Noble (hint: I prefer the library because it is always quiet and there are PLENTY of electric outlets. And at the main Spartanburg branch, you can bring food and drinks if you stay in the front area!). Doing research, listening to lectures, posting to online threads, writing papers, completing internship work, planning for my classes and grading.

I experienced two major breakdowns (that I can remember). One occurred on a Wednesday evening. I had just turned in a paper that Monday, but one was due again in 1.5 weeks, so I was trying to get a bit of a head start on it. I was so tired that I was seriously having trouble seeing the words in my textbook. I was trying to make sense of the labyrinth of the directions my professor gave for the paper. Then I always had to interpret these directions in my head: okay, what does she actually want to see in order to make an A? It was all bullshit anyway, these paper assignments, and when I know that, it's doubly hard to concentrate sometimes. I honestly can't remember why, but me and Brian were also arguing (probably because I wasn't a very fun person to be around during this time period) and I slammed my textbook on the kitchen floor and left the house. I could barely see because I was crying so hard, but I just felt like I might explode if I didn't leave the house. I drove up 290 before coming back with a coffee from McDonald's. Then I went to bed.

It's just a feeling of absolutely no control over anything because you are literally always doing something for someone else, and it continues for four months straight. And of course the entire time I felt like an awful mother because I was constantly having to take time away from them to do all of this work. I knew the entire time that it would be over early in December, but still. You never get this time back, even if it's only a few months.

Add in, as anyone who's read this blog already knows, that the other class I was teaching, my senior English class, was seriously the worst class I've ever taught, and the fact that I asked for help in getting resources to help teach them in order to save me time and my requests were rejected, and I just felt incredibly lonely. I felt like no one cared at all that I was going through one of the hardest times of my life. There are some exceptions to that statement, and those people already know who they are. If I were not a religious person, and did not pray regularly for perseverance, I do not know how I would have made it through.

And now, this weekend, all I have to do is clean up the house a bit and grade some papers. That's all. I have to re-develop a life again. I can think about my children first and everything else next. I was in such a good mood yesterday while I was teaching because, this semester, my senior English class is very nice, and some of my AP students even asked me, "Are you having a good day?" I was certainly able to prove to myself, through this program, that I can do anything I set my mind to, but it kinda did come with a price.

Now I feel like I've been repaid.